When you’re a mum, you don’t get sick days.
So ‘being sick’ and ‘being mum’ getting blended together into a hazy weird world covered in snot, sandwiches and sleep deprivation, is something you wouldn’t want happening to you. If you’ve ever had a cold or suffered with the flu while your children are at home, running amok, then, you will most certainly be able to relate to these 75’thoughts mums have when they are sick.
1. “Ugh. – Body aching. Nose running. Throat scratching. Sinus pressure building. Death nearing.”
2. “Oh Shit. The bloody kids have given me their cold.”
3. “What’s the time? 5:00 am” – okay, I still have a couple hours to get better before the kids get up.”
4. “Come on body, back to sleep.”
5. “God” – my head feels like it’s going to explode. I actually think a volcano may erupt through my nose if I don’t get up and take something.”
6. “Okay up I get. Pass snoring husband. And to the medicine cabinet.”
7. “And what do I find? An empty package of cold and flu tablets. Thanks husband.”
8. “I hope you are having a peaceful sleep. Don’t mind me over here, choking to death on my own phlegm. Off you go. Off to work. Have a great day. – Ass.”
9. “Oh shit” – that sounds like the kids. Why do they choose today of all days to get up before the sun?”
10. “Dear God please get off my head.”
11. “No jumping on the bed.”
12. “No wrestling.”
13. “Just sleeping.”
14. “I love you guys too but mummy is sick. Mummy needs to sleep.”
15. “Nope, apparently, Mummy needs to get up.”
16. “Make a bottle for the toddler and a sandwich for the pre-schooler.”
17. “Because 6am is a totally appropriate time for a sandwich.”
18. “Okay, I’m up. I need a hot shower. Hot water will help hot water will stop the achiness. Kids are happy” – “
19. “You can do this.”
20. “Bugger. Kids hear the water. Footsteps approaching. Clothes being torn off. Kids climbing into MY shower. MY hot water. Not anymore. Now it’s their hot water while Mum stands in the corner, naked and shivering.”
21. “Stuff it. I’ll try again later.”
22. “Pyjamas back on.”
23. “No, I will not be putting proper clothes on today kids.”
24. “No, we will not be going to the waterslides today.”
25. “No, we will not be leaving the house today.”
26. “Okay” – Shower fail. Pyjamas success. Tea and lemon would probably help right about now.”
27. “I need a maid. – And ten hours of uninterrupted sleep. – And a bucket of Valium.”
28. “Argh! My nose is on fire. It is literally burning my face right now.”
29. “This is bullshit. – Why is it so hard to get off the couch and make tea?”
30. “And why is the house so freaking cold?”
31. “That nappy looks a little large. I’ll bet it’s filled with poo. Too bad I can’t smell it.”
32. “Okay, up I go. Change baby. Take pile of dirty clothes from bedroom and create pile of dirty clothes in laundry room. Stack dirty dishes in sink onto bench. Circle the house twice. Okay. Chores done.”
33. “Back to the couch.”
34. “Where are the kids? – Actually, I don’t even care. They are quiet” – “
35. “Oh shit” – what was that sound? – Holy fuck.”
36. “WOW. – Just wow. – How did those two little ninjas manage to completely destroy the playroom in 15’short minutes? – Even the curtains are pulled done.”
37. “I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.”
38. “Okay, I think we need to get out of the house.”
39. “A quick walk around the block. Get some fresh air and wear these kids out. – I can do this.”
40. “Sun will take the achy-ness away” – fresh air will be good for the sinuses.”
41. “Oh dear god. – That sun is freaking bright. – My eyes. – And hot. – It’s so hot. – I am literally melting away.”
42. “It feels like I’ve got bricks in my shoes.”
43. “Oh wait, I’m not even wearing shoes.”
44. “Every step is worse than the last.”
45. “I’ve hit the wall. I need to lie down and die.”
46. “Okay kids, time to rest. Time to sit down for a minute.”
47. “This is what it must feel like to run a marathon.”
48. “Time to turn around. Time to go home. Twenty metres is enough for today.”
49. “Okay, back at home.”
50. “Two-minute noodles is a completely sufficient lunch for today.”
51. “Everything tastes like burning cardboard right now anyway.”
52. “And then naptime. Three hour naptime today. Please kids! Please!”
53. “I can hear them. They are definitely not asleep. I should get up and go in there. I should…but the couch has devoured me whole. I can’t even move, even if I wanted to.”
54. “Sigh…okay I give up. Those kids are not going to nap. – Because that would be too easy.”
55. “No, we’re not going to make cupcakes.”
56. “No, we’re not going to paint.”
57. “No, we’re not going to playgroup.”
58. “It’s movie day. – Please… Please accept that it’s movie day! Any movie you want to watch. I don’t even care.”
59. “Frozen. – Always freaking – Frozen. – Fine. I’m too sick to argue. Frozen it is.”
60. “Frozen on. Kids quiet. Tea made. Things are looking up.”
61. “Except for the fact that I feel like my head is in a vice.”
62. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this but I wish Frozen would last forever.”
63. “It’s gotta be almost time for husband to come home.”
64. “3:00. FARK.”
65. “Okay, how about you guys get the colouring stuff out and I will lie on the floor beside you like a dying cat? – Sounds like a plan.”
66. “Try not the draw on the floor darling. – Or on mummy’s face. – Meh” – “
67. “Oh shit! Did I just fall asleep? There is drool all over the floor and dried snot all over my face. – Kind of looks like I did.”
68. “And silence. Where are the kids??? – Get off the cold floor and find them. – Or call for them” – ” – kids?”
69. “No answer. Up I get.”
70. “Body sweating. Is that panic? Or this bloody flu?”
71. “Found them” – . outside. Covered in mud. Hose on. Water everywhere. Yard flooded.”
72. “Oh, and look who just pulled into the driveway? – My medicine-nabbing husband.”
73. “And what does he come home to? Wife still in pyjamas, dried snot in her hair, marker on her face. Kids covered in mud. Yard flooded with water. House covered in coloured textas.”
74. “I should probably try to explain what happened” – “
75. “Stuff it. I’m going to bed.”
Aw cheers! We’ll take “top quality content” when the content involves golden syrup dumplings any day Hope you give them…