It’s hard to explain to someone who isn’t a parent about what we do all day, whether you’re a working mum or a stay at home mum.
We all work hard. Every parent, Mum or Dad, works their ring-hole off just to get through a day with little people that demand their attention, wreck the house and demand to be fed every few hours.
This letter is a few years old now, but it still makes me so angry every time I read it. So I thought it was worth sharing what the rare male person actually THINKS we do all day.
This is an email received from Steve back in 2011.
“Dear Stay at Home Mum,
I bust my ass 5 days a week so the other half can stay home and give our kids a decent start. My issue is the minute I get to the door I am no sooner out of my boots than she is throwing the kids at me. There’s no ‘hello, how was your day’ it’s just ‘I need time out’. The kids are 1 and 5. She has 1 to look after all day as my son is at school for most of the day. She drops him off and the rest of the day is hers.
All I want is to walk in, have a cold beer, watch the news, have tea and once I unwind, I’ll put the kids to bed and read them a story. It’s a two way street. I earn the money, she should look after the kids and house and life should be easy. I’ve got a job and so has she, why should I have to do her job too when I get home? I’d like to hear your members’ thoughts!”
I, too, would like to hear our members’ thoughts. You are truly a brave man, Steve, but this is my answer to you.
“Dear Steve,
I wonder what you thought having children was going to be like. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Your dear wife is busting her arse off all day, just like you are. The thing is, she doesn’t get a lunch break, a tea break or any break.
Children are frustrating, and need constant attention, no matter how cute they are.
I would suggest that perhaps you should put yourself in her shoes for the day. Maybe let your wife have the day off, and take care of the children to see for yourself. I can’t believe that you would intentionally be an arse and not recognise the significant work every mother does. And as the father, you should be hands-on and responsible for helping to raise your children also. Otherwise, there will be resentment…and long term resentment will lead to you becoming a single father!
Get in there and help her!
If I saw my husband sitting down having a beer whilst I’m juggling dirty nappies, trying to get a load of washing on and cook dinner, I’d seriously hit him over the head with a frypan. She only has two hands. Surely you could enjoy your beer whilst supervising the kids in the bath, or enjoy your beer whilst cooking her some dinner.
Your time out should be her time out, too – after the kids have gone to bed. Plus if you help out more, I’m sure your more likely to get laid.
C’mon Steve, don’t be one of THOSE men. Step up! A real man is a good father and husband and provider.
What are your thoughts on Steve’s letter?
Responses to “What Do Stay at Home Mums Do All Day?”
I know ill prob be shot for this but if the kids are her only job I kind of agree with Steve, sorry ladies but im pretty old fashioned when it comes to this stuff!!! I would be upsett if he didn’t help after he had time to unwind but as long as after that he chips in with either dishers, bed /bath etc and spends quality time with them on the weekend then I agree with him!!! x But as always there are two sides to every story and id love to hear her side.
Well Steve,
Although you are ‘busting your arse’ 5 days a week at your ‘job’, us stay-at-home mums are busting our arses 24/7….
Our jobs never stop, we dont get the luxury of sitting down at the end of a hard day and having a beer, or unwind….
Our brains are going full speed ALL the time….
We are thinking about what is next on our never-ending to do lists, or working out what to make for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, oh and snacks for our families so its not the same stuff all the time, or something that the kids will turn their noses up at.
We are thinking about what games to play with them that are educational but fun. We are trying to make sure they are safe, and happy.
Plus, then there’s the housework to contend with….
Have you ever tried to clean a house with a child (or several) in tow?
Imagine putting 2 books on a book shelf, and 3 toys in the toybox, to head into the bathroom to wipe that over, only to hear a crash, and discover that a tornado must have ripped thru the toy room as there is now ALL of the books on the floor, and ALL of the toys out of the box…. And the child looks up at you with the ‘I didnt do it’ eyes….
Also, we dont get a chance to even pee alone, or shower alone, or eat alone, there is always an audience….
Being a SAHM isnt easy at all…
I recommend you take a weeks holiday, and let your wife go out for 8hrs a day for 5 days in that week (like you do for work) and see if you can have the house spotless, the kids spotless and happy, and have a beer ready for her when she walks in the door at 5pm and ask her how her day was?????
Maybe when you walk in the door at night, and are taking your boots off, say to her, ‘Hey honey, how was ur day? Would you like to sit down and have a cuppa while I play with the kids for half an hour?’
She will love you even more for it. So instead of sending a grumpy email to a website full of SAHM with EXACTLY the same thoughts as me…. How bout you help your wife out who is probably ‘busting her arse’ right now while you are on the computer…..
LOL Steve yes you are a very brave man 🙂 Im a SAHM to two girls under 3 and my hubby works 5 weeek swing rotations (away for 5 home for 5) in Karratha and we are in Sydney. Yes when he is home he takes over the kids as i have them 24/7 for 5 weeks and no family or friends to help out so it is very exhausting…. But i can see your pain, except yes she has one at home, but even one is a handful when you are trying to get a million things done especially a one year old can get into the biggest mischeif and can be very challenging. My brother is in the same boat as you his partner doesnt work she has 2 kids home (soon to be 3) and one at school. He works a 10hr days and when he gets home he has to cook, clean, wash and iron as she says she doesnt have time during the day hmmm i guess some people are lucky (in her case lazy) but its always great to have a second pair of hands with the kids and the one thing you need to remember is your kids dont see you so they probably want to spend time with you just as much as your wife needs a break. Its not easy been a SAHM or dad you may think its all coffee’s, sitting around and relaxing but it is really a million jobs a day….
Oh and I forgot to add….
Even though being at home is her ‘job’ as you put it, the children are yours as well….
As far as I know it takes TWO people to make a baby (am I wrong in this assumption?)
So they are YOUR children too….
You need to suck it up princess and help take care of the kids you created….
First off… I think that “Steve” is pretty brave for posting this. I am sure it will be met with heaps of “Oh my goodness, he didn’t just say that”, and “Really… why doesn’t he try doing his wife’s JOB (for which she doesn’t get paid for I might add) for 5 days and then tell me what she does”. I am a stay at home mum, have been for the past 2.5 years, and believe me it is the hardest job I have ever had to do. But it is the job that I have CHOSEN to do, I have to keep reminding myself that alot, I decided that I would be a SAHM, that I would be the primary care giver for my kids and family, and I am grateful that my husband makes enough that we can live on one wage. Looking after children is really hard, when I was working I was able to come home and “switch off” for a little while, and not have to think about anything, but now I can’t, I have to plan my days, and what I am going to do. If there is no clean clothes, or dinner, or the house is a mess, well that is my fault cause it is my “job”, just like when I was working outside the home, if something that I was responsible for didn’t get done it was my fault. The issue Steve is, no one tells women that being a SAHM is a 24 hr job. We as women have bought into the Hollywood version of motherhood. Glamours, fun, mornings spent wearing fab clothes, and sipping latte’s while our perfect children play nicely together. But once you have kids you realise that, getting out of the house, let alone looking fab, is extremely hard. I try really hard to give my husband space when he gets home, he likes to hang out with the girls, and have a coffee. He does help with bedtime, and dinner, for which I am grateful, but I don’t expect him too. I guess my point is, as much as you want to have “your” time after you come home from work, your wife does too, if your job ends at 6pm, hers doesn’t end till she goes to bed, and even then she is probably making plans and lists in her head about the things she has to do tomorrow, the next day and on the weekend. Her job is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, with no holidays, or sick pay! Sounds like you both need to cut each other some slack, and start realising how important each of your jobs are.
Steve is completely in the right – After a long day at work, he deserves the right to relax!!! His wife’s job is to maintain the house & care for the children, she should not expect Steve to do both his own job & hers!!..
I agree with you Steve. I have 3 kids, the eldest of which has just turned 4 the other day. It’s really hard being a stay at home mum, trying to entertain them, teach them new things, stop their fighting and do all the housework while trying to stay awake. But you (as do most husbands) go to work in the morning, work hard all day and finally get to come home in the evenings to whinging, screaming and crying (and not always just from the kids!) It’s hard for both parents, regardless of what they do or where they work.
Staying at home and looking after the kids and household is MY job. My husband’s is to make sure we have enough money to pay for everything that we need.
Yes, we all need ‘me time’, but you’re not going to be any use to anyone if you’re just as worn out. I have always made sure my husband has had at least half an hour to himself (after the initial “Hello Daddy!!” is out of the way) to do just that, take his boots off and just take a breath. He’s then more able to keep a calm head when they start playing up at bath and dinner time so they’re not constantly getting told to be quiet just because I’m tired from looking after a newborn and can’t handle their voices ringing through my ears for the millionth time that day.
My husband works away now, and has done since the beginning of our last pregnancy, on a 4 week on, 1 week off rotation, and even then, when he comes home for R&R, that’s exactly what he gets. It what he needs to survive!! His R&R’s are essentially his weekends all rolled into one (very short) week. Of course he still helps out though. He’ll take them out for a few hours or even just over to the park but the evening routine is where most mums need the help because at the end of the day, everyone is just plain worn out from the day. Help with bath time and dinner time are the most appreciated because that’s when we feel we’re just going to snap.
I’ve learnt to do it all by myself now and don’t even really need his help most of the time. Of course it’s still appreciated though. 🙂 As long as you’re showing your wife your support, and reminding her that she’s doing a fantastic job (because she is, even if no clothes or dishes get washed for a couple of days) I think she should allow you that time when you first walk through the door because you’re not going to be able to help her or the kids, if you don’t get to take a breath before being bombarded with them. Good luck to you both. I hope you can work through it. 🙂
dear Steve,
I get up at 5:30am.
I put on the first load of washing for the day. the first child will be awake, so get them to toilet and help get dressed. make a coffee for DH. Go to toilet, wish it was on my own, but it’s not… sigh.
Get dressed, change child 1 and get ready them ready for day.
it’s now 7:30 am. make lunch for dh, and find 2 socks give DH his socks and coffee. wish i could sleep till 7am one day a week!!
the we can call a pair.
child #2 is up, and hits child #1, so help sooth and teach right from wrong.
Child #2 needs bed changed, so strip bed and put on washing. hang washing on line, make breakfast get child #3 up.
clean cerial off floor, and walls, get dressed. make school lunches, and get everyone dressed again.
find socks, pack lunches, find reader and library book.
argue with kids to get in car. get kids back out of ca, take to toilet, then medication, then back i near. get to school as bell rings.
come home. get kids out of car. toilet and get pants on as realise went to school in pi’s. sigh.
Sort out another load of washing.
read a story. pick up toys. sort out another fight.
answer phone.
have a coffee. first food or drink for today.
it’s 11am.
have a look in fridge and pantry and freezer for what we need, a make a list.
answer phone.
answer phone.
DH calls, can i check xyz…….
takes 20 min.
lunch for kids. nap of youngest, medication and toilet.
realise no time for shopping but still have to go to library, Dr, chemist and and and and school pick up in an hour. sigh.
no cleaning done, washing now in dryer as don’t have time for line, make beds again. wash breakfast dishes. sort out fight.
read story then in car for trip to school…….
3 kids to Dr’s chemist, library.
sort out another fight.
have a sandwich… well grab a slice of bread.
physio and OT for 2 kids, meds all round.
home. wonder what to feed all for dinner. wish i could have a shower.
find noodles and make a quick sauce serve with the noodles and some veggies.
DH home. hand him child. he whiges. bad luck.
toilet for me. and a shower!!!!!!!
DH has dinner, watches tv. baths for kids and medication, stories, sort out fights. sigh.
wash dinner dishes, realise i still have not had a meal today, and to tired to care. it’s 10.30. have to wake child for medication.
ok, i have 3 special kids, and a grandchild, so a little busier than most, but when i just had 1 it was almost the same.
i want to go back to work so that i can just do 10 hours a day, 5 days a week.
Grow up Steve, it takes a village to raise a child, and these days we expect mum to cook, clean, teach, work, raise kids and run the house with out a hand?????
Dear MRS Steve……
I give you permission to go away for 2 weeks, don’t make any meals and freeze, don’t leave a list, let hime figure it out!!!
Butterfly girl.
I agree – if there is children at home and esp children with special needs, the days pass before you get a chance to eat/drink shower….. My children do activities like music and dancing, and I personally think that when you are home all day, then you end up with moren dishes, more baking (work and cleanup) and the kids make more mess to clean. I have seen parents who both work – the kids leave the house after (sometimes before) breaky- have little chance to mess it, and are home in time for dinner and bed…. very little time to mess the house. When the kids are home all day, I can clean up food/toys/crafty/ etc 4-5 times some days! I also end up doing loads of washing and growing vegies, all which take time! My children are nearly 4 and 2.5 (and 6 year old on weekend) and I am still up at night, every night, at least once. My hubby doesnt even wake most times… that might not seem like much, but it has been 4 years since i had muliple solid nights of sleep and that adds up!
(I also study at uni full time around the children, and try and exercise 3 times a week at least…. all with the pre schoolers in tow….)
I sometimes just need that half hour to grab a shower in peace, or finish preparing dinner, (or the clean up), or on the weekend, my hubby doesnt work I still work all the time, and sometimes need that extra help.
It is tricky…. but I think most mums just need that half hour breather, and the occassional time out on a weekend…. to recharge and keep on top of everything!
Note – my children have rarely ever had day sleeps, and dont any more at all
I’m a new SAHM, only 9 weeks in with our new bub. My husband has voiced the same opinion to me, almost word for word! While I absolutely agree it’s a two way street, I say his job is 8-4, 5 days a week, mine is 24/7. Plus, he participated in making our little bundle of joy, so he should get to participate in taking care of her. Steve does get points for putting the kids to bed though.
I guess my reason for wanting my hubby to look after the baby is that he can unwind after dinner while I clean up after him! 😀
We get out of bed after our husband’s annoy us for some intimate time, get the kidlets out of bed and make sure they are dressed and fed before ensuring they get to school/kindy on time. Before sending the kidlets off to their day I usually have put a few loads of washing through and hung them out as well as tidying the kitchen after the kidlets (piglets rather) have had brekkie. Do both of my daughters hair, make sure all 3 kids have brushed teeth and made their beds as well as packing their bags for the day ahead. Also dispense any medications required, because having 3 kids, one of them always has something, as well as reminding my husband to take his medication for his life long condition, I try to remember to take mine for my chronic condition too. Have a quick shower and take kidlets to school/kindy. Due to the ages of my 3 children, I have a minimum of 2 drop offs. Then I will do any chores that need to be done whilst I am already out. Note that I DO NOT tend to meet my friends for coffee dates, I am too busy! Come home and clean and maybe catch up on shows from last night that I don’t watch because my hubby works nights so I am alone with kids. Get washing off the line and do the ironing. By this time it is pick up time, 2 pick ups to be done and Kindy finishes half an hour earlier than school, so I stay at Kindy with daughter watching her draw and help do puzzles until school is done too. Get home and make sure kidlets have afternoon tea, homework, get them to put away all the clothes that I folded/ironed earlier. Then tidy their bedrooms. Start dinner, put kidlets through shower/bath, finally eat dinner. Kidlets have tv time, whilst I work on my home business. Wind up all activites and have glass of milk & bikkie before bed, clean teeth, go to bed. Listen to them chatter for 15-20mins. Repeatedly ask them to be quiet and go to sleep. Flop in the couch and sigh. Then, finally it is my time. So I have a glass of wine, call my husband to say Hi and to update him on the afternoon activities, so that we are on the same page with regard to the children. That, however, is just a general overview of my day. Today, I went through our filing cabinet and purged old paperwork and did current filing. I normally do this just after tax time, but had abdominal surgery recently. It took me several hours because I do the right thing and keep records for 5 years (I only purged papers over 5 yrs old). Helped hubby put away groceries, tidied son’s bedroom, there is nothing quite like a woman’s clean … sorry. Checked all emails (my home business has 11 employees). I have yet to get dinner ready and I have to go out tonight for a training night, so need to have everything ready for my childminder. Won’t get home until 10.30pm tonight and hope to get enough sleep to do it all again tomorrow …
A brave man indeed! This is what my day is like (a good day i might add!) with my 1 year old.
6:00am dd wakes up. Change her nappy and dress her for the day.
6:30am Make her breakfast and feed her.
7:00am Put a load of washing on.
7:30am Make my breakfast
8:00am Hang out washing
8:30am Make beds and change dd nappy
9:00am Spend time playing with dd
10:00am Settle dd for nap
10:30am Have a shower
11:00am dd wakes from nap. Change nappy.
11:30am Get dd lunch ready.
12:00pm Feed dd lunch
12:30pm Do dishes
1:00pm Spend time with dd
2:00pm Settle dd for second nap
2:30pm Get washing in.
3:00pm dd wakes from nap. Change nappy.
4:00pm prepare tea and get dd tea.
4:30pm feed dd tea.
5:00pm Bath dd
5:30pm dress dd for bed and spend time playing
6:30pm read dd story and settle for bed.
7:00pm Cook tea for us.
8:00pm Fold washing and put away. Do dishes.
8;30pm Relax for the evening
10:30pm Bed
4:00am dd wakes
6:00am dd wakes and begin all over again.
Note: This does not include the times that I do vacuuming and general cleaning, which I fit in whenever I can.
As you can see Steve, our day doesn’t end at 5:30pm. We have days when our babies have tantrums all day long, won’t eat their food (throw it all over us and the room), have poop up to our elbows, they refuse to go to bed or have naps which results in them getting over tired and chuck even more tantrums! These are the days that we need to give them to you (the father of these babies) for our own sanity!
Next time you walk through the door and want to relax think about the day your poor wife has had and give her a much needed break (I assume you get a lunch break?).
May I Suggest that Steve let’s his lovely hard working wife go away for 2 nights and leave the children to him? Only he must stick to the same budget she has and the house has to stay the way she left it? The washing has to be done beds made fridge full, kids bathed and dinner on the table when she gets home?
I know alot of people think parenting is a breeze and stay at home mums have it easy but we have to put up with tantrums constantly discipline in a loving way without getting angry, if we have a head ache or feel sick we can’t make a phone call and go back to bed we have to suck it up!
I’m sure Steve is not hard done by and think of the kids that would be so excited to see him only to have him plonk his butt in front of the Tv!
Wow you are one brave man! And in all honesty I do understand your frustration – I have experienced both sides of the fence – I have been a full time SAHM for six years, and am now working casually on the husbands ‘off days’… Now being a F/T SAHM is an amazing experience – but it is so claustraphobic – you have so many days where, breakfast and lunch for yourself has been non existent, going to pee in peace is a thing of the past and your entire day is spent entertaining, feeding, clothing, changing nappies, grocery shopping, cleaning the list is endless! At the end of the day one feels so exhausted, so tired from being touched and climbed on, and quite frankly in desperate need of some space – enter husband – the saviour – the light at the end of the tunnel – and yes we do understand that men ‘want’ to ‘wean’ into coming home – but once children come into the picture – that becomes a luxury you can no longer afford! Parenting is ‘team work’ – why should you get to come home from work and put your feet up when your wife never gets the chance??? I think that your wife should go away for 1 week, just so you can see how intense full time parenting is 🙂
here here
yup. Well put.
I’m pretty disgusted with steve’s comments. I don’t understand how their relationship works? isn’t a marriage meant to be a partnership, a team. A good marriage & family takes hard work, not moaning, ahhh poor me I work all day and my wife wont let me have a beer when I get home!!
Grow up and start being a father!!!!!!!!
I agree with you Melzo.
WOW! I’m wondering why all these women are mothers! All you seem to be doing is complaining about your mundane lives. Didn’t we all make a concious decision to have children and choose to stay at home with them to love and cherish them and be able to see all their wonderful development that those mothers who go to work miss out on? Or did you just have them out of obligation or because that’s just what women do – have babies, now your just annoyed with all the work involved and don’t have any time to yourself anymore? There has to be a balance somewhere!
I totally agree that we work 24/7 and we don’t get to go to the toilet alone – this is one of the ways children learn to go to the toilet themselves! Our work is hard, but for me, it is so worth it. I hear mums who work tell me how sad they are that they “missed out” on seeing their kids grow up because they chose to return to work. I still can’t understand how mothers leave their babies to be raised by complete strangers, but this is a whole other issue.
Yes, Steve, I think you absolutely should be able to come home and chill for a while after working all day and earning the money that your family needs. And GOOD ON YOU for wanting to spend that lovely time reading bed time stories with your children. Your children will develop a good father/child relationship via this time spent with them.
Is your wife having some trouble looking after your 1 year old during the day? It sounds like she’s getting stressed, but as a stay at home mum of 3, I’m thinking looking after just one child during the day shouldn’t be so stressful? Does she have family around that could relieve her sometimes, so she can go and get her hair done or something for herself?
Hope everything works out for you.
What am I then, I have a 14year old boy with mild learning disabilities and a 6year old daughter who is considered in the top 1% of ADHD in the country, the kids are so hard to handle their father left, if anyone understands not showering, sleeping, eating anything alone its me. I wish I had the luxury of handing my kids over to a husband, friend or relative but its not happening, maybe Steve should try this avenue and just leave his wife and kids for dead, at least he’d have nothing to worry about then. I get to look after the kids, clean, mow the lawns, maintain the car, house, garden, washing, cooking, because I dont have anyone looking after my finances, maybe u should all take a teaspoon of cement and harden the @$%^ up.
Steve.
Seriously.
Move.
Change your name.
Good luck. You’ll need it.
Bruce
Steve, you have no idea. I have just deleted a number of lines here because, well…….
Anyway, mother hood is not a job. It doesn’t go from 9-5. It is 24/7, 365 days a year. here I go again, I have just deleted more lines. It is frustrating trying to explain what being a mum is like. It is all consuming, all embracing, demanding, rewarding, devastating, wonderful. being a full time mum leaves you no time for yourself. you don’t get to have a coffee break. you don’t get a nice quiet meal break. You most definitely do not get time to think quietly. Being a mum is an adrenalin rush and the first 5 years of your children’s lives are the most ‘all consuming’ days of them all. So if you have 2 children 4 years apart, well your wife has just worked 9yrs solid, on the go, at the ready, prepared to counter any threat, any adventure and any unnerving question or statement.
give her a break. else, why can’t her day stop when your’s does. I bet she cleans up after you too.
Hi Steve, Whilst I understand your frustration, the last thing I want to see when I’m trying to settle an overtired, screaming baby is my husband with his feet up having a beer! Imagine watching all your work colleagues having a beer while you’re slogging it out trying to finish your day with no help from them? My husband has a very stressful job and to unwind he goes to the gym for an hour or so on his way home from work. That way he can unwind and have some time to himself before coming home but I don’t have to see him chilling out if that makes sense. This works well for me as when he gets home he’s ready to help with bath, dinner and bed etc. Perhaps you could suggest to your wife that you spend half an hour or so watching tv and having a beer at the pub on your way home from work? That way once you get home you are ready to jump into helping out with the kids – boots and all!!!
It doesn’t matter how many you have it doesn’t change that your life is never again your own. Mothers may not even DO much during the day but the constant mental strain of worrying that your child is getting the right nourishment and that they are well. That they are dressed and in a clean nappy. O that the baby has nappy rash or a fever and feeling like a bad mother or wondering if you could have prevented it. Working out when you are going to take the baby for injections and wondering if it’s the best thing for them to get it done or not. Then organizing to go between sleeps and hoping that it’s not a bad day. Trying to figure out why your baby is crying. Did you do something wrong? Are they Hot/cold. Are they teething and what can you do to ease the pain. Do they have a headache. Or do they need to be entertained. Or maybe they are just tired and need a sleep but don’t want to??? There are hundreds and thousands of things that a mother is constantly thinking over and worrying about and it NEVER stops. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER. Steve when you are at work do you think over these things constantly? No. This is why women want the man to help when he gets home. it’s called SUPPORT. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. This is a womens way of saying i need someone to stand by me as i make all these decision. These decisions aren’t a big thing for all women. Some (i would say like Oldfashioned) find it easier to manage making these decision without any stress. However there are women like myself who feel that all the decsions made have a real impact on the child and it’s future. This can be a really BIG responsibility and sometimes the WEIGHT of it juust feels… i don’t know how to express it… Steve sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Not just a small baby. Most men i know don’t make the everyday decisions for the house and kids but if you could just imagine making those decisions – every single one for the rest of your life you might get a bit of an idea just how HUGE this “job” can feel. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and have a good look into what your wife needs. I can gaurantee you that if you find out how to help your wife your wife will HELP you!!!
Firstly – how could you not want to spend all of the time you can with your children? You’ve missed out on a whole day of them growing up already!
And Secondly – if you ever want to have some special alone time with your wife then you’d better learn to give her a break!
Im sorry when did it become a JOB to raise children, it is not one parents responsibility to raise the kids, both parents raise the children. I think you need to switch your thinking, your wifes day dosnt finish when you get home so why should yours, im sure you will have a much stronger family and relationship if you help your wife with the left over jobs then you both can sit and have relaxing time TOGETHER
Dear Steve,
First of all, you’re definitely brave about your feelings on this matter, and from what I’ve read; there’s quite a few lovely ladies who’ve torn you to shreds 🙂
Personally I agree with you (but don’t tell anyone). I’m a sahm of a nearly three year old, I work casually, and am a uni student. My dh is a full time uni student and works on weekends and holidays. I do everything at home, his only responsibility is to put the green bins out once a week and bring them in. WHilst he doesn’t completely support our family financially at the moment, he comes from a culture where women have a role and men have a role. This means when he graduates he will completely provide for our family, whether I decide to work or not.
I take pride in the fact that when he comes home he can watch the news, check his emails, whilst the house is clean and dinner is nearly served. Most nights after dinner he studies til 10pm, then bed. I make sure my daughter has dinner, bath and bed. I think that if your wife is worried about anything, it should be making sure that you spend enough time with your children to form a good relationship. This means doing fun things, weekends, parks, beaches etc.
After saying all this, I have to admit that my dd is quite perfect though. She watches tv/plays/draws/paints quietly, is toilet trained, listens to what I say and reasoning. If I say there’s no money for lollies or toys, she says “ok, next time” and puts them back.SHe goes to bed on time, and wakes up 8.30-9.00 am. I LOVE supermarket shopping with her, bike riding, playing, painting and having fun. SHe’s not just my daughter, she’s already my friend and I don’t regret a single day that I’ve been at home, all the other things I have to do are just part of the package, and she is my reward.
I make sure that when my man gets home, once my daughter is inbed, we get time together. Whether we chat with a cup of tea, watch a favourite show, or just sit in each others company, it doesn’t matter if the dishes are in the sink, or the clothes haven’t been folded.
The biggest things to me are that my daughter and her dad have a good relationship, and that what I’m doing is not taken for granted. I need to know that the hard work I put in is appreciated, that my dh is proud of me, and that our family all love each other and do this as a team.
Good luck Steve 😉 you’ll probably need it. x
being a mum of a 2 yr old i know it is hard work, but it is all worth it. i agree with both sides yes steve you should b able to unwind after u get home from work, i also applaud you for actually wanting to do the bedtime routine and wanting that bond with your kids, i also believe that mums need the odd 10 minutes to unwind here and there, but one thing that really does bother me with this topic is that no one actually seems to appreciate the fact that they have someone to do the bedtime stuff or the odd pile of dishes, or even someone to talk to at the end of the night i am a SINGLE stay at home mum and have been from day one (not of my own choice) and im sure there are many of us out there. i understand that in some cases there are families where there is no help from the other party but i think people need to appreciate what they have a little bit more in life!!
Steve, some of the best advice my dad ever gave my husband was to decide that work hadn’t finished until about 30-40 minutes after he got home. He would arrive home, check in with mum, help out how she needed him to, and then spend some time with us. Given, there were five of us, but my husband has been doing the same thing since our first arrived. We now have 2 precious kiddies, and he has a fabulous relationship with them both because of the time he invests in them apart from doing practical things like bathing and putting to bed. Your wife and kids need you, and want you and your input in their lives. Half an hour to have a cuppa and a shower or a quick nap is not too much for you darling wife to ask. Remember that you love her, which is why you made two wonderful children together, serve her in love, don’t expect her to serve you without some give and take.
This same guy posted on SWB too and got torn apart
How odd, I recently had a discussion on facebook about this and I swear the mans words were almost identical. I’ll give the same response as I did then.
Whilst her job is to look after and raise the kids, I figure when the working partners day is finished this signifies to the entire house that the working day is over for everyone, not just him. This means that childcare no longer is a job, for either parent, but it is a family affair. His day finishes, so does hers and they now become a family unit to share responsibility for home and children equally.
Or is it perhaps that he feels she does not have the right to finish work for the day as well..? He has a set time that signifies the end of his work day, and I think she should also have that set time, him coming home is the best time for that.
However… I do think that shoving noisy, cranky kids into his arms as soon as he walks in the door is not fair on him either. He should have the time to become comfortable within the home again, he should have the time to rest. And given that both of their working day is now over, she cannot simply expect him to do all of the work at home for the rest of the day/night, they both have to do it equally.
Personally, I prefer to give my partner a chance to rest and spend quiet time with the kids. I get all day with them, good bad and downright horrible. But he gets little time with them and I would prefer he gets smiles and laughs with them rather than crying and tantrums and stress… I get the smiles during the day, he should get them at night as well.
have to say, i agree with sonny, you should all take a teaspoon of cement and hard the **** up!!!!
and Oldfashioned! i can’t believe you’d even say that ” I still can�t understand how mothers leave their babies to be raised by complete strangers, but this is a whole other issue” when there are people out there who HAVE to go back to work to support ourselves and dont have the luxury of staying at home all day…. so while im working 50 hours a week 6 days a week at a job where i have to stand all day then come home and still have to do all the motherly things and be awake with children half the night, and have no family close by, the closest is 10 hours drive away, and do it with minimal whinging, i feel proud of that fact im a working mum! and steve my husband helps out too!!! he finishes 10 hours at work and comes home and still does housework to help out!!! must be soooo difficult having to look after your own child for a few minutes every night!!!
Steve.. i think ur entitled to sit down and relax for half an hour after work… maybe not every day, but when u feel really worn out! Its all about give and take, id hope u’d let ur wife do the same if it all got too much (which believe me it does sometimes) Theres nothin quite as stressful as a screaming child!
All these SAHM who are complaining about what they have to do all day to look after the house and children need to toughen up! Im 8months pregnant, have an 18month yo whose teething, and am still managing to do what needs to be done and love doing it! Best job in the world! Didnt we have to clean, cook, do the washing etc. before the kids came along and were working 40hours a week aswell!
I see both sides 🙂
when you go out of the house to a job – you have the change of environment and social time with other adults, if you do a good job, the boss says well done etc etc
when you’re a stay at home Mum, you’re in the work environment all the time, 24×7 – if you don’t get to get out of the house by leaving it then you are constantly surrounded by things that remind you to work work work – like the bottle of milk that you ran out of, that pile of clothes beckoning to be folded etc etc;
I am going to be doing some contract work based from home, but after discussing with my gorgeous MIL yesterday, I am seriously going to go to her house to “work” so I am not distracted
by the surrounds of the work at home – I have that luxury – not all mothers do.
It is not that stay at home mums want to abandon their jobs, or that they have a bad attitude, but we do need a change of surroundings once in a while, and a “honey, you do a fantastic job, I don’t know how you do it,” and a hug from friends and family once in a while (like every day!) that they are doing a great job!
It’s a year later…I wonder how Steve is doing now? I’ve had a challenging career and I stayed home, once for a 5 year stretch when our son was 5. I’m off now and will be for about a year and this is what I have to say about this. No matter what job Steve has, it is nowhere near the challenge of being a stay at home parent, and I’m talking about the people who work at it, not sit on their bum and watch TV. Not every woman should be a SAHM! Steve is getting compensation, praise, recognition, social interaction…. SAHM must value their own contributions to the family as the praise is most likely not happening often. I work in the pipeline industry with 95% men and almost everyone of them will admit their wife has the tougher job! Good luck to you, appreciate your family and cherish your wife.
i know this was written some time ago, but I still want to respond. Firstly, you absolutely need to realise that your wife works just as hard as you do, at home, with her child/ren. Until you have been in her shoes, youll just not understand or know. Sounds like youll never have to be in her shoes but. I love love love being a Stay at home mum. It is very hard work IF your doing it properly. But its also the most rewarding kind of work. I think both you and your wife need to get with it a bit. She needs to greet you. There is nothing more disrespectful than throwing a kid in your arms and busying herself with dinner or whatever. You do deserve a decent hello and a kiss or something!! So I understand your frustration. I know what its like when hubby gets home and the kids are tired and hungry. its like no matter how controlled and pleasant the day was, dinner time, the kids turn into maniacs and you step right into that scene. ITs a shame, but its how it happens in most homes. bad timing. If you were to look into the house at about 2pm itd be a different, more calm and pleasant story haha. anyways, regardless of her rude greeting, its not the kids fault. nor is it their problem. you need to realise, your work is not done the second you come in. yeh, your day has been stressful, yeh, your day has exhausted you, but again, not your children’s problem. Put on a happy face, man up, and be their father till the minute they go to bed. When you have kids, your life is no longer revolving around yourself and your needs and wants first. They go to bed early enough, you can have your beer later. Your wife will be busy till they go to bed…and probably after too… least you can do is chime in and play with the kids until bed time. it should be a joy anyway! Everyone has off days. Give and take works here. Some days you may need to hide in the toilet for 10 mins! And thats okay! and some days your wife may need to as well. You have to support each other on the off days. But most days, you should be prepared to take the kids and occupy them whilst your wife serves her family dinner and all that jazz. Marriage, and raising a family is about teamwork and respect. Neither of which It seems you nor your wife have for each other. Its all good though, a simple, calm, adult conversation, can turn things around in an instant. I hope things are going well for you.Oh and Rachie, staying at home all day is not a luxury… its a choice. we decided we didnt need luxuries. We sacrificed them in order to be ABLE to stay at home. So apart from single mums who do usually have to work full-time, and the extremely RARE occasion where both parents do actually have to work (rarely do they HAVE to) your wrong. SAHM’s CHOOSE to stay at home instead of having all the latest crap and large houses and expensive cars and a billion appliances. We value our children enough to choose them over keep up with the Joneses. we raise them, instead of having things.
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