Some secrets are shocking because they are scandalous.
Others are shocking because, once you hear the whole story, you understand how someone got there.
An anonymous Ask SAHM poll asked one deceptively simple question:
“Have you ever been unfaithful?”
The answers were not neat. They were not always sympathetic. Some were angry, some were heartbreaking and some made readers wonder whether the person telling the story was the villain, the victim or both.
A few people cheated once. Others had affairs lasting years. Some were still in love with the person they had betrayed their partner with. One person said they had never cheated but had been quietly waiting for the right opportunity.
You can read the original Ask SAHM discussion here.
Before you continue, this article includes discussions of infidelity, abuse, emotional affairs and sex.
1. “I cheated because I thought it would help me escape”
One person admitted to cheating on an abusive partner because they felt trapped and afraid to leave.
Their partner had threatened them and their family. They believed that if the affair was discovered, the relationship might finally end—or that someone else might recognise what was happening and help them get out.
Neither happened.
They eventually left, but the experience left them with complicated feelings. They did not describe the affair as something they were proud of, but they also struggled to regret a decision made while they were frightened and trying to survive.
It is a confronting reminder that not every relationship gives both people the same freedom to simply walk away.
If someone is controlling your money, movements, friendships or access to support, read SAHM’s article about financial abuse.
2. “My husband knew about the other man”
Another respondent had a friends-with-benefits arrangement when she met her future husband.
Her husband knew about the friendship, and she ended it once their relationship became serious. She also admitted to cheating on a previous partner multiple times.
That answer immediately raises the question: is it cheating if your partner knows?
The honest answer is that every relationship has different boundaries. Some couples are monogamous. Some agree to open relationships. Some are comfortable with flirtation, while others consider private messages a betrayal.
The problem is not always the act itself. Sometimes it is the lie, the secrecy or the agreement that was quietly broken.
3. “I was the other woman for eight years”
One person revealed that they had been involved with a married man for more than eight years.
They said they did not want him to leave his wife. They did not want a conventional relationship. They believed the arrangement worked for them, even though other people would judge it.
Eight years is a long time to be someone’s secret.
It is long enough to build routines, memories and genuine emotional attachment. It is also long enough for an arrangement that was once exciting to become a life built around waiting, secrecy and someone else’s availability.
The part that stayed with us was not the affair itself. It was the confidence with which the person described being happy with so little.
4. “I never slept with him, but I was still unfaithful”
Another respondent said she had never physically cheated on her husband, but she had developed strong feelings for someone else.
Her marriage had been damaged by years of conflict and separation. Her husband had used dating websites and met other women. She stayed because she wanted to keep her family together.
Then she met a kind, attractive single father whose children played with hers.
She said she would have dated him immediately if her circumstances had been different.
That is the part people often miss about emotional affairs: there may be no hotel room, no kiss and no obvious moment when everything changes.
There may only be a person who makes you feel seen when you have felt invisible for years.
Read The 10 Red Flags of Emotional Cheating if you are wondering whether a friendship has crossed a line.
5. “I loved a married man for 20 years”
One respondent said they had cheated on a neglectful, manipulative partner with a married man.
The affair lasted 20 years.
They described the married man as the love of their life.
That sentence is difficult to read because it contains an entire lifetime of decisions. Twenty years of birthdays, lies, missed opportunities and private moments. Twenty years of loving someone who was never completely available.
People often imagine an affair as a temporary escape from a bad relationship. Sometimes it becomes the relationship that quietly shapes a person’s entire adult life.
6. “I never cheated—but I had sex with him under the dinner table”
One person insisted they had never been unfaithful, but admitted to intense sexual tension with their former brother-in-law.
They were both married. They never had sex. But there was flirting and physical contact under the dinner table.
Later, they both divorced and remarried other people. They still wondered what might have happened if they had been single at the same time.
It is a good example of how difficult the word “cheating” can be.
Does betrayal begin with sex? A message? A secret? A fantasy? Or the moment you start protecting a connection that you know your partner would not be comfortable seeing?
7. “The affair lasted two years—and changed my life”
Another person described a two-year affair with a married colleague.
It involved secret meetings, messages, phone calls and trips away. They said they loved each other and that the relationship changed their life.
There is something unsettling about how ordinary the story sounds.
It did not begin with someone announcing that they wanted to destroy their marriage. It grew through workplace conversations, private messages and moments of emotional escape.
That is how many affairs begin—not with a grand plan, but with a small secret that becomes easier to keep than to end.
8. “I cheated on my abusive alcoholic husband”
The final confession came from someone who cheated on an abusive alcoholic husband.
They said they had emotionally left the marriage before they physically left it. They were unhappy, wanted out and did not know how to make the relationship end.
Years later, they had remarried and had children. They said they had never cheated again.
It is tempting to look at infidelity as a simple moral question. But abuse, addiction, fear and control can make a relationship far more complicated than it appears from the outside.
Leaving safely is not always as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door.
What should you do if cheating has affected your relationship?
There is no universal answer.
You might want to repair the relationship. You might want to leave. You might not know yet.
Before making a decision, consider:
- Has the affair ended completely?
- Is the person who cheated taking responsibility?
- Is there ongoing lying or manipulation?
- Do both people genuinely want to rebuild?
- Is there abuse, intimidation or financial control?
- Would professional support help you make a safer decision?
- Has either person considered sexual-health testing?
If you are trying to repair the relationship, read 4 Tips on How to Recover From Infidelity.
If you are asking whether the relationship can survive, Could Your Relationship Survive an Affair? is a useful next read.
And if what you are dealing with involves control or abuse, focus on safety and support before confronting your partner or announcing your plans.
The most shocking part is how familiar some of these stories feel
The people in the Ask SAHM thread did not all cheat for the same reason.
Some wanted attention. Some were lonely. Some were angry. Some felt trapped. Some had fallen in love with another person. Some made one selfish decision and then kept making it because stopping became harder.
That does not make every choice excusable.
But it does make the conversation more honest.
Infidelity is not always a dramatic stranger in a hotel room. Sometimes it is a friendship that becomes private, a marriage that has quietly ended emotionally or a person who has been unhappy for so long that they no longer recognise themselves.
You can read more real questions and anonymous answers in the Ask SAHM community.
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