Assisted Reproductive Technology, sometimes called ART, has becoming more and more common over the last few decades.
As most women and couples turn to these alternative methods of contraception to start a family, it’s worth thinking about how you’ll broach this topic with your kids when the time comes.
For some, the miracle of their conception is barely worth mentioning. Maybe it was a cold winter evening, when love got the better of you. Maybe it was in a clinic, under the watchful eye of an IVF specialist. Maybe it was thanks to a stranger in another place. Everyone’s story is different.
But, when your child is the result of these new technologies, how much should you tell them, and when should you discuss it? The way we look at it you have two options: Don’t tell them, or do.
If you choose not to tell them, that’s entirely your choice. Some parents might feel that there’s no need to broach this topic with their kids, that they don’t need to know the details of their conception. In many cases, this has no impact on their lives at all, but when it comes to genetics (particularly with using sperm donors) it can. For example, consider if the father of your children got ill and your kids wanted to help their dad. Finding out from a doctor that they’re not genetically related might be a bit of a shock. Ditto in finding out their history from a friend or other family member, who might have been aware of your A.R.T journey and not aware that you hadn’t told your kids.
Alternatively, you could tell them. Be open and share freely about the situation that led you to using these technologies and services to conceive them. There are a few different things to consider here, so let’s have a look at some of the technologies, and how you might talk to your kids about them.
IVF
To be quite honest, kids probably aren’t going to be too fussed about the whole IVF scenario. If anything, it shows your child just how important they were to you, how much you fought to bring them into your life. Should your child express an interest in ‘how they were made’ it might be worth bringing up a bare bones version, along with the more traditional forms covered by the birds and the bees.
Sure, it’s more science-heavy than the old fashioned way, but it has its own history and it might be something that your child will become very interested in.
Sperm Donor
Using sperm donors for contraception has a few footnotes that parents might want to think about when it comes to talking with their child.
Of course, it depends on your individual circumstances. Many single mums use sperm donors as a way to start their families, and if this is your case you can make it clear to your child that they were so wanted that you searched the world for the ingredients to make them. If you’re a couple and your husband had fertility problems, an honest talk from the both of you is always a good place to start. Make it clear that, to you both, there is a distinct difference between their biological father and their dad. Touching on nature and nurture is a good way to make sure they don’t feel separate from their dad, especially for boys who often idolise the top guy in their lives.
Surrogacy
Surrogacy can be something of a minefield, especially if it involves overseas parties. Once you have successfully navigated it, there is the issue of talking to your child. When learning about pregnancy and all that goes along with it, many children are curious as to their own growth period. They might ask why there aren’t any photographs of mummy pregnant with them.
The key here is again to talk about how special they were, that mum and dad had to find a nice lady to help grow them in her tummy as mum wasn’t able. Genetics is a hard thing to explain to children, but older kids can be easily told that, although another oven was involved, the ingredients are all you.
If you’re stuck between the two, you aren’t alone, but you shouldn’t worry either. Recent studies suggest that although it might seem contrary to logic, children who are unaware of their conception exist in families just as stable and functional as those who do not.
So, would you tell your kids?
Have your say!