# 5 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage, According to Relationship Expert Esther Perel - Link: https://stayathomemum.com.au/lifestyle/sex-and-relationships/5-ways-to-divorce-proof-your-marriage-according-to-relationship-expert-esther-perel/ - Published: 2026-02-14T09:00:00+11:00 - Author: Clare Whitfield **After reading the title, you’re probably thinking: is it really possible to divorce- proof your marriage?** Well, you clicked on this article and that means you’re curious. And I definitely understand why. _“For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in heath, as long as we both shall live,” i_s much easier said than done. Just ask the 40 to 50 percent of married couples that end up getting divorced in the US. If there’s a way, how come half of married people get divorced? Well, according to Belgian psychotherapist, Esther Perel, the host of the seriously addictive [_Where Should We Begin?_](https://www.estherperel.com/podcast) podcast and author of the books [_Mating in Captivity_](https://amzn.to/4rUzUyU) and [_The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity_](https://amzn.to/3ZVLgqx), there are 5 ways to strengthen your marriage and hopefully, divorce-proof it. Yes, just five.. but it’s going to be consistent and repetitive work! [⌊Relaxed woman enjoying coffee at home embracing a peaceful 2pm ritual⌉⌊Relaxed woman enjoying coffee at home embracing a peaceful 2pm ritual⌉[ ### 1. Don’t Rely on Your Partner for Everything Your husband is your favourite person in the world to hang out with, period. Plus, he’s reliable (who else would rub your feet for an hour while you eat your favorite ice cream which _he_ bought from the store on his way home?). But Esther Perel suggests you tread this path carefully. In fact, relying on your one-and-only too much can set your relationship up for unnecessary pressure it may not be able to withstand. _“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning and continuity,”_ Perel says in her book, _Mating in Captivity_. _“At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling._ _Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”_ _Continue to maintain an identity outside of your partner, spending time with your friends and family separately. If you want to see Booksmart and your husband is iffy, go with your friends from work. “Allow yourself to feel more deeply the otherness of your partner,” _Perel writes. _“You never really possess each other. You just think you do.” _Whoa, deep. ![5 ways to divorce proof your marriage according to relationship expert esther perel | stay at home mum](https://i0.wp.com/stayathomemum.com.au/wp-content/uploads/ 2020/04/bigstock-Young-Sexy-Couple-Have-Intimac-331406335.jpg?resize=900%2C600&quality =89&ssl=1 "Stay at Home Mum day Sex Challenge") ### Shake Things Up Whenever You Can (Especially in Bed) Anyone who’s been married for more than a few years can tell you: It’s extremely tough to maintain that exciting initial spark once you start to get comfortable in a relationship. And Perel theorizes that it’s all about the conflict between love and desire. _“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery,” _she writes in _Mating in Captivity_. _“If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel and the unexpected._ _Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go._ _But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”_ So that means – do something completely spontaneous. Surprise your husband or wife by recreating the sexual fantasy they mentioned when you first started dating. Buy a sexy new pair of underwear. Try a new sex position. Get a _toy _and learn how to use it comfortably – heck, [buy rabbit vibrators online](https://sextoyserotica.com.au/collections/rabbit-vibrators) if you’re overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. It’s perfect for beginners! Whatever it is – doesn’t matter as long as it’s something new. [⌊Intimate couple engaging in playful bondage during a romantic moment at home⌉⌊Intimate couple engaging in playful bondage during a romantic moment at home⌉ ](https://stayathomemum.com.au/my-lifestyle/relationships/30-day-sex-challenge/) ### Apologise First When you’re in it for the long haul, even the best relationship will have its fair share of up-all-night fights, screaming matches and disagreements. The most important thing, according to Perel? That you don’t wait for the other person to say “I’m sorry,” no matter whose fault it was. _“To apologize”_.. _?there is nothing weak about it,”_ Perel writes. _“Whoever apologizes first is always the stronger one.”_ [⌊Elderly couple embracing while reviewing documents on a laptop at home⌉⌊Elderly couple embracing while reviewing documents on a laptop at home⌉ ](https://i0.wp.com/stayathomemum.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/couple-checking-bills.jpg?quality=89&ssl=1) ### If Your Definition of ‘Love’ Evolves, Don’t Panic When you love someone, you always agree with them and adore everything about them, right? Nope. Perel maintains that love is much more complicated than that. _“It’s a verb,”_ Perel tells [_The New Yorker_](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/the-new-yorker-interview/love-is-not-a-permanent-state-of-enthusiasm-an-interview-with-esther-perel)_.__“ That’s the first thing. It’s an active engagement with all kinds of feelings”_, _? positive ones and primitive ones and loathsome ones. But it’s a very active verb. And it’s often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow._ _It’s like the moon. We think it’s disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It’s not a permanent state of enthusiasm.” _Your love for your partner will probably feel completely different after month 4 of marriage than it does after year 12. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. [⌊Marriage resilience tips from esther perel⌉⌊Marriage resilience tips from esther perel⌉ ](https://i0.wp.com/stayathomemum.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/couple-hugging.jpg?quality=89&ssl=1) ### Stop Comparing Your Relationship to Everyone Elses Your old friend from college just got married and her wedding looked perfect (on Instagram) and she seems so happy (on Facebook). Meanwhile, you’re behind on bills and your toddler won’t stop screaming and your husband has been [playing Fortnite](https://www.purewow.com/wellness/spouse-video-game-addiction-help) for the last three hours. _Ugh_. The best way to reboot your relationship? Get off your phone. “_If all else fails, get off social media for a few days…or weeks,” _Esther tells [Cosmopolitan](https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a22341222/stop-comparing-your-relationship/). > _“The time away will help you realize that striving to be someone else is a frustrating > experience. Instead, focus on being the very best version of you and staying grounded > in the here and now of your own life.”_ **Easier said than done, Esther, but challenge accepted.** **[Reproduced with permission from PureWow](https://www.purewow.com/wellness/esther-perel-relationship-tips) ![author avatar](https://i0.wp.com/stayathomemum.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2025/ 12/clare_whitfield_profile.webp?quality=80&ssl=1) Clare Whitfield Chief Editor Clare Whitfield is the Editor of Stay at Home Mum and a recognised voice in practical home management for Australian families. Based in the northern suburbs of Sydney, she balances editorial leadership with life as a stay at home mum to two school age children. Her background in home economics and more than a decade of experience in recipe development, family budgeting, and household systems inform her work. [See Full Bio](https://stayathomemum.com.au/author/clare_whitfield/) [ ](https://stayathomemum.com.au/author/clare_whitfield/)