Ah, Christmas Day.
The season of joy, sparkly lights, overeating… and pretending you’re thrilled to spend the day with people who critique your parenting, your cooking, and occasionally your entire existence.
If you’re stuck celebrating with a mother-in-law who could turn a pavlova sour with one look, consider this your festive permission slip. You can’t control her behaviour, but you can make the day mildly entertaining for yourself.
Here are some beautifully petty, chaos-lite ways to keep your sanity—and maybe ruffle a few well-plucked feathers..
1. ‘Tis the season’ of course.
We’re starting off strong.
’Tis the season for giving… and nothing says “I’m thinking of you” like a wildly inappropriate or hilariously misguided present.
If she’s easily embarrassed and you literally give 0 fucks about the consequences, may I suggest the largest or weirdest dildo you can find? Upon her opening the gift, let her know that you were hoping a little action in the bedroom will curb her uptight attitude.
Now if you want something toned down:
- Buy her something she absolutely hates and pretend it’s thoughtful.
- Gift a home appliance she’ll never use, then gush about how practical it is.
- Wrap a hideous ornament and ask about it every time you visit.
Maximum annoyance with minimal effort.
2. Food
Know her least favourite food? Excellent. Bring it—proudly.
When she side-eyes it, simply shrug and say, “Oh, I forgot you don’t like that.”
Or, if you’re feeling spicy: “You mentioned my cooking was terrible, so I made something you wouldn’t have to suffer through.”
It’s gonna be a few seconds of awkwardness, do not say anything and let.it.sit.
3. Greet Her With A Compliment.. Sort Of
Immediately when you arrive, hit her with one of these:
- “Wow, you look… tired. Long morning?”
- “Those earrings are adorable — did one of the kids make them?”
- “That colour is… bold for you. You really are so brave!”
You’re not starting a fight; you’re starting the narrative.
4. Running commentary when opening her gifts.
She unwraps towels? “Nice! I thought someone might’ve gotten you anti-aging cream.”
She opens a cookbook?
“Ah, more recipes! Although I don’t think your portions need to get any bigger, Susan.”
Say it with a smile. A big, unsettling one.
5. Comment on your mother-in-law’s cooking.
Take one bite and freeze. Then:
Loudly insist there’s a hair in it.
Ask if the cream was off.
Tell the pavlova tastes “interesting” and ask others if they agree.
Watch her face form the emotional equivalent of a clenched fist.
6. Don’t help.
I know at my place on Christmas Day, everyone seems to pitch in and clear away the lunch dishes. Well, if you really want to piss off your mother-in-law; don’t. Grab yourself a drink and plonk down in front of the telly and don’t move.
Make it obvious that you’re not helping by yelling out you would but you’re just too stuffed to move. Maybe even add in, ‘It looks like you have everything under control there, Carol’ and she’ll be whinging about you for sure after you leave. #winning
7. Or…of course you could help.
If you want a long-lasting annoyance, help clean — and put everything away in the wrong spot.
Cups with platters. Tongs with cutlery. The “special” serving dish in the cupboard no one can reach.
It’s like planting future landmines.
8. Make conversations awkward or uncomfortable.
You could bring up that time your mother-in-law forgot to pick up her son from kindy and other parenting fails you know about.
Ask her for sex advice and question why it is she thinks your partner’s libido is so high. Then wink at her as you lead your partner to the laundry.
Ask her about the ingredients to her signature Christmas Day dish and then proceed to tell her your mother makes it better. Maybe even bring up a topic you know she’s passionate about and disagree with her on purpose.
There’s so many options when it comes to conversation, but just make sure you choose topics you know she isn’t keen to discuss and be relentless in your pursuit to make her talk about them.
9. Go Crazy!
Every time she starts speaking, talk to her and then speak louder. Or cut her off in the middle of a sentence she talks passionately about.
Offer a faux apology, then do it again.
It’s bound to piss her off no end and she may even say something to you about it. You can provide her with an insincere apology and continue doing it all day. There’s just no limits to how many times you can annoy her with this one.
10. Run late
She’s timed lunch down to the minute?
Arrive two hours after that.
Send text updates to keep her hopeful, then let the roast die a slow, dry death while she waits.
Make sure to text her you’re on the way so she’s anticipating your arrival, that way she’ll hold the food. Eventually, she’ll get sick of it and serve the food anyway and you will have effectively ruined lunch. It’s literally that easy.
Elite villain behaviour.
If you’re determined to turn your mother-in-law’s Christmas into mild chaos, any of these will do the job nicely. And if she accuses you of purposefully trying to annoy her?
Simply disagree. Vehemently. Repeatedly.
Act offended she’d even suggest such a thing. Nothing irritates a mother-in-law more than someone who won’t accept blame for behaviour they absolutely committed.
And who knows — if you’re truly committed to being a festive menace, you might even score the ultimate Christmas miracle: not being invited back next year.
Merry Christmas — or whatever.
I get what you’re saying, and yeah, those cases where people meet as adults can explain why the attraction happens.…