# Elf Exposed

- Link: https://stayathomemum.com.au/family/occasions/christmas/elf-exposed/
- Published: 2014-12-06T21:00:16+11:00
- Author: Lenz

“I saw Mummy bonking Santa Clause underneath the Christmas tree last night” Popped
into my mind at this very moment. There beneath the tree lay flat on his back Santa
or rather should I add ‘Frank’ in his Father Christmas outfit complete with white
beard with me straddled across him dressed as something that resembled what I imagined
a hooker elf to wear, which in the process had lost her skirt and was sitting upon
Santa with her naked arse smiling up at her four year old, who was stood mouth agape.

The bonus was from her position, all that could be seen was Santa’s legs, because
the rest of him was being covered by this big bare arsed elf which resembled her
mother, Santa’s identity was safe. You have to find a positive here, this kid could
be scared for life right now, what away to destroy her belief in Santa. Think fast,
bare butt elf, you know what’s coming. “what are you doing mummy” Let’s be honest
at this moment I don’t really know what the fuck I was even thinking let alone why
this had seemed like a good idea at any point.

First things first -�locate the bloody skirt because this moon is needing to rise
up fast as Miss 4 years is starting to move into the room. There it was, beautifully
hanging from the tree next to a smiling Santa ornament, I’m sure that bloody thing
was really laughing. Right, I muttered down to ‘Frank’ “Don’t you bloody move, keep
your beard on” One-two-three-up in one turn, then like a matador flicked the skirt
around to cover myself. I heard a little giggle, what is it with kids and bums?

I headed with haste to stall her movement any closer and to steer her back towards
bed. “come on back to bed now, you shouldn’t be up” That’s it keep it normal, I’m
sure the kid will think nothing of being put back to bed by her mother dressed as
an elf with her bum hanging out. Her eyes well awake and taking me all in, I could
sense the integration pending. Into bed she hopped. “Mummy, what are you dressed
as?”

Are you serious how could she not get I was a bloody elf, I was even wearing a bloody
stupid hat. “I’m an elf” – trust children to crush you with reality. “Oh” her eyes
getting wider “was that Santa” “yes” “why is he here tonight it’s not Christmas 
yet” ” He was having a practice, just getting to know the layout of the room” was
she buying this, I’m not sure I was having trouble convincing myself. “I was helping
Santa because he had fallen over” I heard that come out of my mouth before I could
stop it really. She seemed to buy it and was satisfied with the answers I kissed
her good night.

Frank had undressed and was in the bedroom “that was close” he said as I came in.“
are you bloody kidding me, sure Santa lives on but our child could have psychological
damage from being exposed to her mother’s arse dressed up as an elf!” Men! So concerned
he was already snoring, as I lay wondering if I had damaged my child’s innocent 
Christmas thoughts forever with my image of the hooker elf riding Santa under the
glow of the tree lights.

Nothing had been said in the few days after, until picking her up from kindy in 
her little hand she held a painting as usual can’t quite identify what it is until
you flip over the back and the teacher has written what the child’s story is to 
go with the picture. I could feel the colour drain as I read the title. My mummy
the elf. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk! It went on to mention mummy sitting on Santa who had
fallen over and had no pants on. I looked up towards her teacher, who just smiled
and said if you want to wear your costume to the Christmas party your welcome.

Please earth open up and swallow me now! I can honestly say BareButt Elf has gone
into retirement!

 

![author avatar](https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/d1fabbf06f10e2d1166ad3ae336e062d980f5df5ca4a761dcfc5fb7069b9357d?
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 Lenz

 Lenz Libres has been part of the Stay At Home Mum team since 2015 and is now its
General Manager. She has a degree in Development Communication, majoring in Journalism,
from Xavier University – Ateneo de Cagayan, and once worked as a news reporter for
SunStar Cagayan de Oro. These days, Lenz helps look after SAHM’s content, marketing
and brand partnerships, while writing practical guides on family life, home, money,
wellbeing and the many small things that make life run a little more smoothly. She
likes useful information, clear writing and a healthy amount of humour, because 
nobody needs another article that makes everyday life feel harder than it already
is.

 [See Full Bio](https://stayathomemum.com.au/author/lenz/) [  ](https://stayathomemum.com.au/author/lenz/)